Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Our Story 我們的故事


It is a great privilege to testify God’s love in our lives. I am here to share our story with you, and I hope our story will encourage you and to show you that miracle still happens.


極為榮幸能在我們的生命裏見證神的愛。在這裡與你分享我們的故事,希望我們的故事能鼓勵你,讓你知道奇蹟仍然在發生。

Our Story: All Things Are Beautiful In Its Time

ALL THINGS ARE BEAUTIFUL IN ITS TIME


It is a great privilege to testify God’s love in our lives. I am here to share our story with you, and I hope our story will encourage you and to show you that miracle still happens.


[SO IT BEGINS]


As many of you know, Will and I have been married for seven years going on eight. Almost immediately after we got married, people began asking us when we would have children. Since we both love children very much, we also wanted to start a family right away.

During that time, besides weddings, one event that we attended the most was baby showers; it seemed like we were surrounded by babies and pregnant friends. And for my personal record, I’ve been in the delivery room five times watching babies being born: Three times for my older sister Janice, one time for my younger sister Ruth, and even one time for one of my close friends whose husband was in Taiwan and couldn’t make it in time for the delivery. Watching babies being born is a very exciting and joyful experience, there is nothing like it.

Just like any other married couples, Will and I thought starting a family and raising children would just happen naturally. However, it wasn’t that simple. Two years went by and we tried and tried and nothing was happening. We started to worry and wondered if something was wrong. Meanwhile, most of our friends were all starting to have kids and we began to feel distant around people with children because all the gatherings and conversations were no longer about life and fun, but they all revolved around children and parenting. That was the time when I started to get sensitive when people asked us about having kids. I would smile and try to avoid the question.


[DOCTORS, MORE DOCTORS]

So in 2010, two years after we got married, we had our very first doctor visit to an infertility specialist. Generally speaking, infertility is the inability to conceive or get pregnant after one year of trying. Growing up, I never really liked doctors, or I should say I never liked being the patient so going to doctors took a lot of courage. At first, the doctor was very encouraging and we thought we would be pregnant within a few months. Little did we know, that was only the beginning. From that moment forward we experienced countless doctor visits, check-ups, tests, tubes of blood drawn, needles poked, and medication. That was only the physical part; the emotional drain of tears, fears, helplessness, and hopelessness was even more painful.


I remembered sitting in front of one of the doctors when he told us that I would not be able to get pregnant naturally. He explained to us that each month normal female body would release one egg and it takes one healthy sperm to be at the right place at the right time to get pregnant. Since one of my two tubes was blocked and my ovulation was irregular, the chance for the egg and sperm to meet was greatly reduced. Despite the setback, we continued to see different doctors that people recommended to us. We have tried both western infertility specialists and Chinese doctors with herbs and acupuncture treatments. We have seen doctors in Taiwan as well as here in the States. Besides recommending doctors to us, some other friends also suggested adoption as a possibility.


[THOUGHTS TO GIVE UP]

More years went by and nothing seemed to work. People were still asking when we were going to have kids. I was tired of going to doctors. What was left was disappointments and despair. There was a time in my life that I began to wonder if we would ever experience parenthood. I started doubting God and that was the moment I opened the door for Satan to attack. All the negative thoughts and lies started flooding into my life. The arrows of lies and condemnation started shooting at me. I became so bitter, so discouraged, so depressed and so hopeless.

I started to think that I was not good enough for God to love me, that I didn't serve Him enough and I didn't deserve His blessings. I thought God was punishing me. I fell into a bottomless pit full of darkness. I distanced myself from God thinking He was not helping me. I stopped praying and stopped reading His Word. I got frustrated and tried to pick fights with Will thinking I don't deserve him either because I wasn't able to bear a child.

I felt guilty and blamed everything on myself. Just like the barren women in the Bible, Sarah and Rachael, they pushed their husbands to the maidservants. I wanted to do the same except we didn’t have any maid. I remember saying the most foolish thing to Will. I told him to go find another woman who could be a better wife and could bear children. The thought of ending the marriage because of not having children actually came across my mind many times.


[TIME WITHOUT GOD]

PSALM 9:10
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

PSALM 69:32
The humble shall see this and be glad;
And you who seek God, your hearts shall live.

Indeed, that period of time without the presence of God was horrible. For the first time I experienced that apart from Him I could do nothing. I had no joy in me at all. I felt my life was empty and my heart was dead. But Praise the Lord! He is a God full of mercy and grace, always there waiting for us to go back to Him. I cried out to Him and started writing prayers to Him in my journal. I humbled myself before God, confessing my sins and weaknesses, asking Him to transform my life, to change the situation, to change my heart, to heal my soul and body, to change my attitudes, and to proclaim His goodness and promises in my life. It was a total surrender before God, giving authority back to him and putting my life once again in His hands.



[TEARS & PAINS]


PSALM 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

PSALM 56:8
You number my wanderings;
Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?

I don’t know how many times I cried and how much tears I shed during the past five years. Every time when the pregnancy test came back negative or the phone calls from the doctor’s office saying the treatment was unsuccessful. Despite the circumstances, I believed God knew my every thought and He knew my heart. He put my tears in His bottle and He was there during the times of sorrow. I felt that God even read every single word I wrote in my journal. Miraculously God had healed my broken heart and my life and my attitude started to change even though the problem of infertility still remained.


[THE BATTLE CONTINUES]

With the renewed faith, we continued to see doctors and did everything we could and left the rest to the Lord. Honestly, this journey has been very difficult but somehow God gave the two of us enough strength to carry on. He gave us the assurance to know that everything is in His hands.

I remembered there was a period of time when we went through a more intensive treatment where we had to inject shots on my belly everyday at home. Neither of us had ever used a syringe before and it was the scariest thing in the world. Since I was the one receiving the shot, by default Will became the one who had to give the shot. Every night when 9 o’clock came around, we would turn on worship music and pray together because that was the time to give the shot. We were so scared that we did not know what to do except to turn to God. There was a tremendous pressure because each shot we injected represented our hope to have a baby. Looking back, I really don’t know how we got through it, it was not a pleasant time but God gave us strength, courage, and comfort.


[BEING OPEN AND RECEIVE SUPPORT]

Two summers ago, we had a church camping trip and one night at the bonfire we shared this very painful struggle with the people who were there. Since then Will had also shared this matter in a couple of his sermons. Both Will and I believe in living an open-book life style. We trust our church family just as much as we trust our earthly family. We know many people have been praying for us for years along with our families and friends. Last Mother’s Day towards the end of the combined service, caught us by surprise, Pastor Charley invited us to the front and the entire church prayed for us. It was a very memorable moment for us because we experienced the love of God through everyone. Although at that time we did not know how God was going to lead us forward, we were greatly comforted.



[JOURNAL ENTRY]

Like I had mentioned earlier, I have a habit of writing journals and I remember on December 12, 2014, for some reason God really touched my heart on this matter of having children, so I prayed to the Lord and I wrote:

“Today I asked God to open my womb and grant us babies. I believe His perfect plan in my life. I trust in His timing. He is the giver of life. My Creator, my Healer.”



[TURNING MOURNING INTO JOY]

The Bible says God turns mourning into joy. Sometimes we might feel that miracles only exist in the Bible and therefore we have little faith in God to do great things in our lives. If I only look at this particular moment in life, what I shared earlier, all the pains and sufferings, it looks like there’s not much hope, but this is not the end of our story because the God we believe in is a God who heals and saves. God has His master plan and His purpose in every one of us before we even came to existence. There are many seasons in our lives, unless we go through all of them, we might not know what His purpose is. Today we are here to testify that God is in the midst of us and that He is still performing miracles today! 

On April 1st of this year, I found out I was pregnant. Because I had been charting daily temperatures to track ovulation so I knew that was the day that I should try a pregnancy test. It was evening and just like before, I did a pregnancy test in the bathroom and waited for the result to come out. When I saw two lines showing on the pregnancy test, I was shocked because that means the result is positive. I called Will into the bathroom and there was a moment of silence because we were both speechless. Can this be true? Is this really happening? Am I really pregnant? All these years of negative results, and now suddenly a positive result. It is like we have just witnessed a miracle on April fool’s day. It was unbelievable, unexpected. My heart was pounding really hard at that moment and I must have tested several other times just to double check and triple check until we saw a doctor the next day and she told us indeed I was pregnant.


To many people, having children seems very simple and there is not much to it. But to us we had gone through a season of challenges. Even though we were seeing a Chinese doctor at that time, we clearly know this is a miracle because it is a natural pregnancy without the help of medical infertility technology. All the treatments we had, all the shots, all the medicines, all the diagnosis, none of them resulted in pregnancy. And just when we were least expected, God decided the time has come. 


[PRAISES & GLORY TO GOD]


I thank God for His perfect timing and this precious gift of life. If you were to ask me, “Why did God make you wait seven years?” Honestly I have no answer for you. One thing I do know is that through the trials we went through, we got to experience the unspeakable great joy of an answered prayer. Because of the season that we went through, we now get to testify of God’s faithfulness and His healing power. God is so real to us. Trials are not evidence of God’s absence, but of His presence.

Through this experience, our relationship as a married couple is stronger than ever. We are so in love because we know if we have gone through this together, we will always be there for each other, no matter what challenges we face in the future. As to my spiritual walk, I can also testify that my personal relationship with God has grown so much closer. I know that without Him, I can't do anything.

So when is the most beautiful time? I think the most beautiful time in life is when you feel the presence of God and see the work of His hands no matter what season you might be in.

JEREMIAH 17:7-8

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
    whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
    that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
    for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
    for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

I give thanks, honor, and glory to our heavenly Father. I thank Him for this journey, a journey of faith, a journey of healing, a journey of hope. I pray that our story will draw you closer to God and encourage you to put your trust and hope in the Lord. He makes everything beautiful in His time!

Our Story 我們的故事:神造萬物,各按其時成為美好(中文版)

ALL THINGS ARE BEAUTIFUL IN ITS TIME
神造萬物,各按其時成為美好


極為榮幸能在我們的生命裏見證神的愛。在這裡與你分享我們的故事,希望我們的故事能鼓勵你,讓你知道奇蹟仍然在發生。


【故事的開始】


Will跟我結婚已經七年,即將邁入婚姻的第八年。我們一結婚後,大家就開始問我們什麼時候要生小孩。其實我們兩個都很愛孩子,所以我們也很想馬上就有小孩。

在那個時候,除了參加婚禮之外,我們參加最多的活動就是baby showers (寶寶派對)。感覺我們周圍都是小嬰兒跟懷孕的朋友。而我自己也有五次在產房親眼看著嬰兒出生的經驗。三次是姊姊Janice生的時候,一次是妹妹Ruth生的時候,還有一次是以前很好的高中同學,那時候她老公在台灣無法趕到。看著新生兒出生真的是很讓人興奮跟喜樂的經歷。

其實就像其他結婚的夫妻一樣,Will跟我都想說組織一個家庭、懷孕生小孩都會自然的發生。但是,這一切都不是這麼簡單。兩年過去了,我們一直試一直試,但是一直都沒有懷孕。我們開始擔心,猜想是不是有什麼問題。同時,身邊的朋友幾乎都有小孩了,我們也開始覺得對身邊有小孩的朋友產生距離感,因為大家聚在一起聊天的話題,不再是生活上的點滴或是哪裏有什麼好吃好玩,反而所有的話題全是圍繞著小孩及怎麼教養小孩。也是從那個時候開始,當別人問我們什麼時候要有小孩的時候,我開始對於這種問題感到很敏感。我就會笑笑的,希望可以避免回答這種問題。


【看不完的醫生】

2010年,我們結婚兩年後,我們第一次去看了不孕症的專科醫生。大致上來說,不孕症是指在經過一年嘗試懷孕但無法受孕或懷孕的症狀。從小到大,我很不喜歡看醫生,應該說我很不喜歡當病人,所以去看醫生真的需要很大的勇氣。一開始,醫生都還蠻鼓勵人的,我們都以為應該幾個月後就會懷孕。但竟不知,這只是一個開始。從那時候起,我們不知看過多少醫生,做過多少檢查,一次又一次的檢驗、抽血、打針、吃藥。這都只是身體的部分,其實更痛苦的是心靈上的折磨帶來的眼淚、害怕、無助及失望。



我記得有一次坐在醫生面前,他告訴我們說,我是無法自然懷孕的。他解釋給我們說, 正常的女人每個月身體會釋放一個卵,而只需要一個健康的精子在對的地方、對的時間出現才能懷孕。然而我其中一邊的輸卵管是阻塞的,再加上我排卵的不正常,所以要卵子跟精子相遇的機率變得非常低。儘管如此,我們還是繼續看別人介紹給我們不同的醫生。我們看過不同西醫不孕症的專科醫生,還有不同中醫使用中藥及針灸的治療。我們在台灣看過醫生,也在美國看過醫生。除了介紹醫生給我們之外,我們也有一些朋友建議我們考慮領養。


【想放棄的念頭】

更多年過去了,似乎什麼都沒有用。大家還是會繼續問我們什麼時候要生小孩。我也覺得看醫生很煩很累。好像只剩下失望跟絕望。那個時候我曾經懷疑是否我們真的這輩子永遠無法成為父母。我開始懷疑神,而懷疑的那一剎那也開啟了撒但攻擊我的門。所有負面的思想及謊言開始湧入我的生命裡。謊言跟控告的劍開始往我不停地射來。我變得非常苦毒、非常氣餒、非常憂鬱、毫無盼望。

我開始覺得我一定是不夠好,所以神不愛我。我一定服事神不夠、我不配得祂的祝福,我覺得神在懲罰我。我掉進了一個充滿黑暗的無底洞裏。我遠離神,我覺得祂都不幫助我。我停止禱告、停止讀經。我充滿挫折感,也無理取鬧跟Will吵架,覺得自己配不上他,因為我不能生小孩。

我覺得自己充滿罪惡感,也把這一切都怪在自己身上。就像聖經裡無法生育的女人一樣,像撒拉、拉結,他們都把自己的丈夫推給自己的使女。我也想跟她們ㄧ樣,只是我們家裡沒有使女。我記得曾經對Will說過非常愚蠢的話,我竟然叫他去找另外一個女人,可以成為他更好的妻子,還可以幫他生小孩。其實因為我無法懷孕而想要結束我們婚姻的念頭在我腦海中想過很多次。


【沒有神的日子】

詩篇 9:10
耶和華阿,認識你名的人要倚靠你,因你沒有離棄尋求你的人。

詩篇 69:32
謙卑的人看見了,就喜樂,尋求神的人,願你們的心甦醒。

的確,那段沒有神同在的日子真的很糟糕。第一次我體會到,離了祂,我什麼都不能做。我裏面完全沒有喜樂。我覺得我的生命裡非常空虛,我的心好像死了ㄧ般。但是感謝主!祂是充滿憐憫恩典的神,總是在那裏等待我們回到祂的懷抱。我向祂呼求,並開始在我的靈修日記裡寫下一篇又一篇我對祂的禱告。我謙卑在神面前,承認我的罪及我的軟弱,求祂來改變我的生命、改變現狀、改變我的心、醫治我的心靈及身體、改變我的態度,並且宣告神的美好、宣告祂在我生命裡的應許。這是在神面前完完全全的降服,將主權交還給祂,將我的生命再次交在祂手裏。



【眼淚與痛苦】


詩篇 34:18
耶和華靠近傷心的人,拯救靈性痛悔的人。

詩篇 56:8
我幾次流離,你都記數,求你把我眼淚裝在你的皮袋裡,這不都記在你冊子上麼。

我不知道在過去這五年裡我哭了多少次,我流了多少眼淚。每次當驗孕的結果是沒懷孕,或是醫生護士打電話來說這次的療程並沒有成功。不論情況如何,我都相信神知道我的每個意念、也深知我的心。祂把我的眼淚都裝在祂的皮袋裡,祂在我哀痛的時候都在我身邊。我也覺得神甚至讀了我靈修日記裡寫的每字每句。神奇蹟般的醫治了我破碎的心,雖然不孕的問題依然存在,但我的生命及我的態度開始有了極大的轉變。


【持續征戰】

帶著更新的信心,我們繼續的看醫生,盡力而為做我們所能做的,並把剩下的交托給主。老實說,這段路的確走得非常艱難,但是神卻給了我們倆個足夠的力量繼續走下去。祂使我們確信知道,凡事都在祂的手中。

我記得那時候有一段時間我們正在接受比較強化的治療,我們必須每天自己在家打針在我的腹部上。我們倆個從來沒有使用過針筒,對我們而言,這根本就是這世界上最恐怖的事情!因為我是被打針的那個,所以很自然的Will就是拿針打針的那個。每天晚上睡覺以前,我們就會放敬拜的音樂,一起禱告,因為打針的時間到了。我們倆個都很害怕,真的是不知所措,只能來到神的面前。壓力真的很大,因為每一根針都代表著有可能懷孕的希望。回想起來,我真的不知道我們是怎麼走過來的,雖然是一段驚險、害怕的時光,但神賜給我們力量、勇氣、及安慰。


【敞開接受扶持】

教會兩年前的暑假有ㄧ個露營,我們在其中一個晚上圍繞在營火旁時,跟在場的人分享了我們這讓我們很痛苦的難處。從那時後開始,Will也在幾次講道裡分享過這件事情。Will和我都相信敞開、坦然的生活方式。我們信賴我們教會的大家庭就像我們信賴我們地上自已的家人一般。我們知道很多人在過去這幾年裡,跟我們的家人及朋友一樣,一直在為我們禱告。去年母親節,在聯合崇拜快結束時,Charley傳道突然請我們倆個到台前,全教會為我們呼求禱告。那是個非常難忘的時刻,因為我們透過教會每一個人感受到神的愛。雖然那個時候我們並不知道神將會如何帶領我們前行,但我們的心深受安慰。



【靈修日記】

如同我之前分享的,我有寫靈修日記的習慣,在20141212日,神在懷孕這件事上觸動我的心,所以我又再次特別為這件事對神禱告,在日記裏我寫下:

“今天我求神能使我懷孕,賜給我們孩子。我相信祂在我生命裡完美的計劃。我信靠祂的時間。祂是生命的賞賜者、我的創造者、我的醫治者。”



【哀哭變為喜樂】

聖經說,神使哀哭變為喜樂。有時候我們會覺得奇蹟只出現在聖經裡,所以我們不太有信心相信神會在我們生命裡做奇妙的事。如果我只看我生命裡其中這一段時刻,像我之前分享的,所有的痛苦跟折磨,看起來好像似乎毫無盼望。但是這不是我們故事的結果,因為我們相信的神是一位醫治我們、拯救我們的神!神在我們每個人的生命裡都有祂偉大的計劃跟目的。在我們的生命裡有很多季節,除非我們走過,不然我們無法了解祂的目的是什麼。今天,我們在這裡就是要見證神在我們當中,祂至今還在施行神蹟!

今年四月一日我發現我懷孕了。因為我每天都有在量體溫算排卵期,所以我知道哪天是應該驗孕的日子。那天晚上,就像往常一樣,我在廁所裡驗孕等待驗孕的結果。當我看到驗孕紙上面有兩條線的時候,我真的很震驚,那表示結果是懷孕了。我叫Will來浴室,廁所裡當時一片安靜,我們倆個驚訝的說不話來。這是真的嗎?真的發生了嗎?我真的懷孕了嗎?過去這麼多年來每次都是沒有懷孕的結果,現在突然顯示懷孕。這好像我們在愚人節親眼目睹奇蹟的發生。難以置信,意想不到。我那時心跳的好大力,而且我至少再驗孕驗了好幾次,不斷的要確認,一直到我們隔天去醫院看醫生,醫生確定告訴我,我懷孕了!


對很多人來說,有小孩好像很簡單也很容易。但是對我們來說,我們卻走過了一段充滿挑戰的季節。我們非常清楚知道這是一個神蹟, 當時雖有看中醫調身體,但我是自然懷孕的,並沒有任何不孕症的醫療科技。所有我們有過的治療,所有的打針,所有的藥物,所有的診斷,這些都沒有造成懷孕。而當我們意想不到時,神決定的時間到了。


【讚美榮耀歸與神】


我感謝神祂完美的時間以及這份寶貴的生命的禮物。如果你問我為什麼神要我們等七年?老實說,我沒有答案。但有一件事我知道,就是經過這些試煉,我們可以經歷禱告蒙應允所帶來那說不出極大的喜樂。因為我們所經歷過的季節,我們能見證神的信實及祂醫治的大能。神對我們來說是非常真實的。試煉不是證明神的缺席,而是證明祂的同在。

透過這次的經歷,我們夫妻的關係比以前更堅定。我們非常相愛,因為我們知道,若能一起走過這一切,無論未來我們會面對什麼樣的挑戰,我們都能永遠陪伴扶持彼此。對於我自己的屬靈生命,我可以見證,我跟神之間的關係變得很親密,也成長了很多。我知道,離了祂,我什麼都不能做。

什麼時候是最美麗的時刻?我覺得生命裡最美麗的時刻,就是無論你在任何的季節裏,你都能感受到神的同在,並看見神的手在你生命裡有奇妙的作為。

耶利米書 17:7-8
倚靠耶和華,以耶和華為可靠的,那人有福了。
他必像樹栽於水旁,在河邊扎根,
炎熱來到,並不懼怕,葉子仍必青翠,
在乾旱之年毫無掛慮,而且結果不止。


我將感謝、尊貴、榮耀都歸給我們的父神。我為這個旅程感謝祂,這是一段信心的旅程、醫治的旅程、盼望的旅程。願我們的故事可以帶領你更親近神,並且鼓勵你更信靠祂、仰望祂。神造萬物,各按其時成為美好!

Monday, November 30, 2015

Prenatal Check-Up #10


Today was the 10th prenatal check-up. Have to come to the doctor on a weekly basis toward the last few weeks of my pregnancy. There was a nurse trainee who did my weight measurement, urine test, and blood pressure today. Baby's heartbeat was faster today. He was probably very excited, heartbeat was about 150 per minute. Of course, just like last time, the doctor needed to examine my cervix. I was extremely nervous but well prepared, no matter how painful or uncomfortable, I would be brave and let the doctor complete the examination... Doctor said the cervix was open about 1 cm and still toward the back. Even though the baby's head is down but I need to walk and let the gravity to help the baby come down more so the bones and muscles will be ready for labor later on. The doctor said it was normal for me to feel pain on my pelvic area when I walk. Although it's painful, I still need to walk, in a slow pace. 

今天是第10次的產檢,接近後期都是每個禮拜要來醫生這裡檢查。這次是由實習的護士幫我量體重、驗尿跟量血壓。Baby今天的心跳比較快,應該是很開心,所以心跳是每分鐘150左右。這次當然跟上次ㄧ樣,需要內診看子宮頸。這次還是很緊張但是有心理準備,不管多痛或多不舒服都要勇敢的讓醫生檢查完....。醫生說子宮頸只有開一公分左右,而且位置還很後面,雖然Baby的頭在下面,應該走一些路,地心引力會幫助Baby往下,骨頭跟肌肉能放鬆打開。之前骨盤那邊走路好痛醫生說是正常的,雖然痛,但是還是得慢慢地走。

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Pregnancy Belly Picture Collage

Throughout the entire pregnancy, it is filled with amazement. Fascinated by the amazing creation of God, a new life is growing inside the mother's womb day by day. In front of this wall in our living room, with the same pose, hubby took pictures of me and recorded this amazing change during the pregnancy! 

懷孕的整個過程中,充滿了許多驚喜。讚嘆神的奇妙創造,新的生命在母腹裡慢慢一天一天的成長。在家裡客廳的這面牆前面,同一個姿勢,老公幫我拍照記錄下來孕期裡這奇妙的變化!